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Remember, these are all by Johnny Hildo, esq.
It's a lot harder to write a monologue that I first thought. At first,
I couldn't think of much to talk about. And when I did find a theme, I wasn't
too sure if it was interesting enough for you, the listening audience. Finally,
I just said to hell with it. It's not as if anybody's listening, anyway.
24 October 1992
I was eating dinner in a restaurent the other night, when a girl - no,
a woman - walked by. In no time, my eyes started to water, my hands
started to shake, and I thought that I was in love. However, after a few
minutes, I realized that it was only a bad allergic reaction to her perfume.
15 November 1992
I was sitting around, listening to music, and staring blankly at my posters,
when my roommate walked in. He said to me, "Boy, you're sure
hard at work." So I got up and stomped on his foot. It's okay, I didn't
hurt him much. I just hate it when people are more sarcastic than I am.
29 November 1992
You know, I really hate blind dates. Trapped with a person I barely know
for two and a half hours; talking about the most idiotic things in the world,
such as their pet's breeding problems; trying to be wise and witty at the
spur of the moment, and yet, resisting the urge to smush my cheesecake in
my face as a form of entertainment.
Actually, now that I think about it, kind of sounds like this show.
03 March 1993
And so, I cracked open my fortune cookie and read the message - "Never
eat yellow snow." Strangely enough, my day's been pretty good.
date unknown
Whenever someone pisses me off, I never get violent nor threatening.
What's the point of physical abuse? Bruses heal in a week. Instead, I give
him warmpth, caring, and compassion. Messing up someone mentally is so much
more fun. And it's forever.
24 July 1993
It's been a year since I started this show, and what have I learned in
the past 12 months? With hard work, determination, and being able to trust
other people, anything can be accomplished. Oh, and never stick your tongue
on a live wire. Trust me.
23 October 1993
The police will most likely be at your door in a matter of minutes, so
don't leave your room for anything. Prop chairs, beds, etc, up against your
door to keep the cops from entering. Also, if this "girlfriend"
of yours phones you to apologize or something, call her such names like
"dyke" and "ho".
date unknown
Everyone has a crutch. You know, that certain something that picks you
up when you're down and so on. A good number of people have someone else
to lean on, and depend on their kindness, generosity, and love to keep them
from going under. For me, my crutch is a 7-11 Super Big Gulp. You've got
to figure that with 500 pounds of sugar polluting your blood, how can you
feel bad, let alone much of anything else.
date unknown
You know, if I could be a super hero, I'd probably take on the name "Drunk
Man"! Think about all of my amazing powers: The ability to hit on any
woman, no matter how ugly -- or sexy -- she is; the ability to not feel
her boyfriend's brass knuckles; and most important, the ability to stop
those boyfriends at up to forty feet with my Amazing Power Hurl!!! Of course,
I'd need my trusty side-kick, "Pretty Boy", just to help in case
I get into Real Trouble.... like when I'm in a loss for a good pick-up line.
"You know what would look good on you? Me."
date unknown